Would he love me?

Hello, my name's Carlee, and I am a self declared people pleaser, or better yet, was a self declared people pleaser. That's all I have ever known, and all I have ever done. I used to see that as selfless, as love, as 'I am a good person'. Oh how far I was from my own truth. It came to me, after much self-reflection, that my people pleaser persona not only blocked me from love but completely stemmed from a place of fear, from ego. Why was I so prone to put others before me, to agree when I clearly felt another way, and to keep myself small? 

I came to acknowledge that my people pleaser persona stemmed from a place of 'Love Me', and 'See Me', rather than a GENUINE act of love, where there was no need for any return. I showered people with all of who I was, I swallowed my tears and kept my mouth shut, I went along for the show, whether I wanted to or not. All at the cost of my own peaceful state. And why? Because I wanted more than any of that, to feel loved, to feel needed, to 'belong'. I had let go of any concept of BOUNDARIES, and sold my sense of self, for a false PERCEPTION of what I thought was love. 

I was recently asked to do a pretty large favour for a loved one, and even though I knew there was no way I could help them, I tossed and turned, and truly struggled to tell them no, to tell them I would not be able to help them as they needed. And even though we share a healthy bond that stems from love, my heart was so heavy. I could not understand why I felt so bad, why I had taken on that RESPONSIBILITY as my own. And then I took a deep breathe, and the answers appeared, as they usually do. 

Would he love me, even though I had to say no? Would he feel sad because of me? Maybe he wouldn't need me anymore? Would he see me? The ever present theme here, was ME! And me, stemmed from ego, and was born from a place that has yet to be fully healed, clearly. The truth was that someone else was able to come through, and my day went on as planned, the way I had chosen, that best served me. So here I am, a self declared people pleaser, and today, after much struggle, I was able to say no, from a place of love, rather than yes from a place of fear. He of course, completely understood, and I was able to SHINE SOME LIGHT on a part of me that needed to come forth to heal. 

I have learnt that you must please yourself before anyone else, that you must love yourself, all of you, so that you may bestow that love onto another, from a place of GENUINE JOY AND RADIANCE. There's a presence that comes forth when you GIVE SIMPLY TO GIVE. There's no need for a return, for EXPECTATIONS, because you know you are loved, you know your worth, because you have chosen to value who you are on a soul level, that no amount of people pleasing can add up to. 

'Love Me', has now been transformed to 'I love myself'. 'See Me', has now been transformed to 'I See Myself'. As I grow every day, and heal those parts of me that have been so VITAL to my JOURNEY, I want more than ANYTHING, to be my AUTHENTIC self, to be completely, and fully, myself. And some people won't know how to act towards me, and when I allow my truth to come forth, they may say I have changed. And they would be correct. As vulnerable as that makes me feel, I would rather be completely myself, and stand TALL, from a place of love, and know where I stand. Those who love me for me, who love me UNCONDITIONALLY, they'll be there, and the others,  never really knew me anyways. 

So, do you put others before yourself? Do you agree even though you know your truth? Do you settle? Do you stay small so others can stay comfortable? And do you do these from a place of love, or from a place of fear? We all have the CHOICE to choose love, and all we need to do IS SHINE that beam of LIGHT and DIVINE energy onto our fears. And eventually those fears heal, and you grow, and LIFE BECOME'S MORE AND MORE BEAUTIFUL EVERY DAY.