Dear Dad

I was angry. I wonder why that's so god damn hard for me to say? I was angry. And I am very much aware that a part of me holds onto to that anger now. To be honest, I started to put those words to paper as took out my notebook and yet for some reason felt drawn to release whatever comes up here, on my blog, for all to see. I feel exposed for some reason, and pretty raw. We can talk all day long about how to LIVE a SPIRITUAL LIFE, and on how to love more deeply and fully, but to actually share my deepest of wounds to whomever reads my posts, well that's a whole other story. But yet, here we are, and here I am, about to get really real.

I was angry. I could stop there really, because those words alone have always made me uncomfortable. I have always chosen to see the good that's WITHIN all of us, even for those who have upset or hurt me the most. So to acknowledge how angry I felt, was a huge step for me. 

 A lot of my own wounds, you know the ones that never really heal unless you show up and tend to them, well, they stem from my father, and they hurt so FUCKING bad some days. Even on the Journey I am on, and all of the HEALING I have done, some wounds are deep, and they tend to take us longer to free ourselves from.

So, why was I angry? Well, to spare you all a long story, that we all have one or another, here's why I was angry, angry at my Dad. (Tears stream down my face as I type those words, because I know what a BEAUTIFUL soul my Dad has) I was angry because he has always been gone one day and then here the next. I was angry because I always felt as though a part of me was on a quest to feel connected to my Dad, to know that I was ever so loved. I was angry, because on Father's Day, he could not show up for me. I was angry because everyday, he chose to not show up for me. I was angry, because he seemed okay, and he seemed happy, and yet, we were always apart.
How could my heart ache so badly, and he, okay?

I know the only love I truly needs the love of myself, but yet I struggle to let go of the need to feel accepted, or to feel needed by my Dad. I know he loves me, I do know that, and I understand that we all do the best we can. I also understand that you can never really show up for others, unless you show up for yourself, and so here's my struggle. I am so aware of the goodness that my dad has, I see so much of myself WITHIN that man, but yet, I also feel so angry. And I know I have to allow myself to feel that. To truly feel that, so that anger can be healed, so I can let go of my past.

I am not sure how the story unfolds from here, I sobbed my way through the whole post, and somehow feel LIGHTER. I know my most profound and BEAUTIFUL lessons stem from these wounds, from the unseen CHILD that LIVES WITHIN me. My prayer's that she'll one day feel seen, and know from her deepest of depths, that she's loved, that I am loved. 

I pray that we all heal those wounds that cut us the deepest, and I pray that we can come back stronger, and our hearts more open than ever. And may we acknowledge that we are all apart of the same Journey, and above all us, show up for ourselves, and then we can truly show up for those we love the most.

Dad, In case you ever come across these words, know that even though I, yes, feel anger towards you, lesser every day, that I love you. I love you for you, your truth, the soul that permeates through all the BS. I love you for the man I know you are. And even though we rarely see one another, I see you, and feel the energy between us, that sacred love that connects us. I pray that one day, we can return to that place, where we both see each other, where we both choose to show up. 

Love always
Car