Dear Dad

I was angry. I wonder why that's so god damn hard for me to say? I was angry. And I am very much aware that a part of me holds onto to that anger now. To be honest, I started to put those words to paper as took out my notebook and yet for some reason felt drawn to release whatever comes up here, on my blog, for all to see. I feel exposed for some reason, and pretty raw. We can talk all day long about how to LIVE a SPIRITUAL LIFE, and on how to love more deeply and fully, but to actually share my deepest of wounds to whomever reads my posts, well that's a whole other story. But yet, here we are, and here I am, about to get really real.

I was angry. I could stop there really, because those words alone have always made me uncomfortable. I have always chosen to see the good that's WITHIN all of us, even for those who have upset or hurt me the most. So to acknowledge how angry I felt, was a huge step for me. 

 A lot of my own wounds, you know the ones that never really heal unless you show up and tend to them, well, they stem from my father, and they hurt so FUCKING bad some days. Even on the Journey I am on, and all of the HEALING I have done, some wounds are deep, and they tend to take us longer to free ourselves from.

So, why was I angry? Well, to spare you all a long story, that we all have one or another, here's why I was angry, angry at my Dad. (Tears stream down my face as I type those words, because I know what a BEAUTIFUL soul my Dad has) I was angry because he has always been gone one day and then here the next. I was angry because I always felt as though a part of me was on a quest to feel connected to my Dad, to know that I was ever so loved. I was angry, because on Father's Day, he could not show up for me. I was angry because everyday, he chose to not show up for me. I was angry, because he seemed okay, and he seemed happy, and yet, we were always apart.
How could my heart ache so badly, and he, okay?

I know the only love I truly needs the love of myself, but yet I struggle to let go of the need to feel accepted, or to feel needed by my Dad. I know he loves me, I do know that, and I understand that we all do the best we can. I also understand that you can never really show up for others, unless you show up for yourself, and so here's my struggle. I am so aware of the goodness that my dad has, I see so much of myself WITHIN that man, but yet, I also feel so angry. And I know I have to allow myself to feel that. To truly feel that, so that anger can be healed, so I can let go of my past.

I am not sure how the story unfolds from here, I sobbed my way through the whole post, and somehow feel LIGHTER. I know my most profound and BEAUTIFUL lessons stem from these wounds, from the unseen CHILD that LIVES WITHIN me. My prayer's that she'll one day feel seen, and know from her deepest of depths, that she's loved, that I am loved. 

I pray that we all heal those wounds that cut us the deepest, and I pray that we can come back stronger, and our hearts more open than ever. And may we acknowledge that we are all apart of the same Journey, and above all us, show up for ourselves, and then we can truly show up for those we love the most.

Dad, In case you ever come across these words, know that even though I, yes, feel anger towards you, lesser every day, that I love you. I love you for you, your truth, the soul that permeates through all the BS. I love you for the man I know you are. And even though we rarely see one another, I see you, and feel the energy between us, that sacred love that connects us. I pray that one day, we can return to that place, where we both see each other, where we both choose to show up. 

Love always
Car

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Have you ever done all that you can to 'save' someone you loved? Have you ever wanted someone you care about to change, to heal, to grow, to love themselves? To love you? Let's be real, we ALL have been there one way or another. The need or DRIVE to 'INSPIRE' someone we cared about to change. We only want for them to be happy, RIGHT? Well, I have come to understand, for myself anyways, that you cannot, and I repeat cannot, 'Save' anyone, and you cannot make anyone change. They have to want change for themselves, I repeat, THEY have to want change for themselves.

PEOPLE DO THE BEST THEY CAN WITH WHAT THEY KNOW, BASED ON HOW PRESENT, CONSCIOUS, AND AWARE THEY ARE. 

But.. we can LOVE them. And I don't mean, the sort of love that causes us to want them to change, or to heal the shadow parts of themselves. I mean UNCONDITIONAL love. And by that I mean, NO CONDITIONS. And by no means does that mean you become a door mat, you do not even have to be around the person to love them UNCONDITIONALLY. All you have to do IS show up, whether you show up PHYSICALLY, or ENERGETICALLY, UNCONDITIONAL love knows no bounds, knows no obstacle. Send them love, and send them LIGHT. 


We all have those people who are apart of our Journeys, and yes they are there for a reason, but the truth's that, even though we may not understand them, or understand how they treat us, or maybe how they see the world, that's not about us. I repeat, for my own sake, THAT'S NOT ABOUT US. And we cannot take on the world all by ourselves, we have to understand that they too, have a path to follow, and though that path may be very bumpy path, or one you don't want to be on, can you love them anyway? Can you choose to see them for who they really are? When we place Judgement on others, we really place Judgement on ourselves. 

We often say that love UNCONDITIONALLY. I mean, I hear people say those terms a lot, and yet I see those same people, MYSELF INCLUDED, turn around and retreat that 'UNCONDITIONAL LOVE' the moment the present CONDITIONS don't match up to what they wanted.  

Are you even aware of the CONDITIONS you have placed on your RELATIONSHIPS, on the people you love the most, or the ones that are apart of your path whether you want them to be or not? I know that for me, I have become very aware of the CONDITIONS I have placed not only on others, but on myself as well. However, yesterday, I had a total wake up call, or as Oprah would say an 'Aha' moment. I had Robert Holden's awesome Hay House RADIO show on,  and as he talked to a very lovely woman, he spoke the most BEAUTIFUL words, and I knew they would change my outlook from here on out. 

'GOD HAS NEVER TRIED TO HEAL ME, HE ONLY LOVES ME'

'GOD DOESN'T SAY, TODAY I AM GOING TO HEAL YOU, HE SIMPLY LOVES ME'

HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT? Honestly? He only loves me. I heard those words and started to reflect on the CONDITIONS I have placed on those closest to me, my parents, etc, and how much I (ego) wanted to save them. How much I (ego) needed them to change, needed them to be on the same path as me, to understand me, to love themselves, to love me. Granted, these all sound pretty normal, but that's not my work, that's not for me to carry on my shoulders, or on my heart. All I need to do IS love them, love everyone, UNCONDITIONALLY, and only then can I love myself the same. If I choose to constantly place CONDITIONS on others, and choose to see what's 'wrong', I deny myself the very love I had yearned for all along, I deny myself the chance to see past the ILLUSION that we are separate. 

And don't get me wrong, to actually show up, and love someone UNCONDITIONALLY, well that's one hard lesson and maybe the most BEAUTIFUL and PROFOUND one we can learn. No matter how much someone may push your buttons, send them love. No matter how dark the path they have walked, send them LIGHT. No matter hurt you feel, send them love. Send them FORGIVENESS. Send them hope. To love someone UNCONDITIONALLY says to them, yourself, and to the world, 'You are perfect the way you are, because you are DIVINE love. You are enough, and you are loved, no matter what, and I'll show up for not only myself, but for you, because we are love.' 

Are we not all on the same Journey anyways, one way or another? Let's choose to love one another. Let's choose to love ourselves enough to let go and release all of those CONDITIONS we place on ourselves and on everyone else. They create walls, they create separateness, they create ILLUSION. Even when you feel you have to walk away from someone for your own WELL BEING, and chances are one day you'll have too. So walk away, head held HIGH, and pebbles of love at your feet for those who may one day need them.