Dear Dad

I was angry. I wonder why that's so god damn hard for me to say? I was angry. And I am very much aware that a part of me holds onto to that anger now. To be honest, I started to put those words to paper as took out my notebook and yet for some reason felt drawn to release whatever comes up here, on my blog, for all to see. I feel exposed for some reason, and pretty raw. We can talk all day long about how to LIVE a SPIRITUAL LIFE, and on how to love more deeply and fully, but to actually share my deepest of wounds to whomever reads my posts, well that's a whole other story. But yet, here we are, and here I am, about to get really real.

I was angry. I could stop there really, because those words alone have always made me uncomfortable. I have always chosen to see the good that's WITHIN all of us, even for those who have upset or hurt me the most. So to acknowledge how angry I felt, was a huge step for me. 

 A lot of my own wounds, you know the ones that never really heal unless you show up and tend to them, well, they stem from my father, and they hurt so FUCKING bad some days. Even on the Journey I am on, and all of the HEALING I have done, some wounds are deep, and they tend to take us longer to free ourselves from.

So, why was I angry? Well, to spare you all a long story, that we all have one or another, here's why I was angry, angry at my Dad. (Tears stream down my face as I type those words, because I know what a BEAUTIFUL soul my Dad has) I was angry because he has always been gone one day and then here the next. I was angry because I always felt as though a part of me was on a quest to feel connected to my Dad, to know that I was ever so loved. I was angry, because on Father's Day, he could not show up for me. I was angry because everyday, he chose to not show up for me. I was angry, because he seemed okay, and he seemed happy, and yet, we were always apart.
How could my heart ache so badly, and he, okay?

I know the only love I truly needs the love of myself, but yet I struggle to let go of the need to feel accepted, or to feel needed by my Dad. I know he loves me, I do know that, and I understand that we all do the best we can. I also understand that you can never really show up for others, unless you show up for yourself, and so here's my struggle. I am so aware of the goodness that my dad has, I see so much of myself WITHIN that man, but yet, I also feel so angry. And I know I have to allow myself to feel that. To truly feel that, so that anger can be healed, so I can let go of my past.

I am not sure how the story unfolds from here, I sobbed my way through the whole post, and somehow feel LIGHTER. I know my most profound and BEAUTIFUL lessons stem from these wounds, from the unseen CHILD that LIVES WITHIN me. My prayer's that she'll one day feel seen, and know from her deepest of depths, that she's loved, that I am loved. 

I pray that we all heal those wounds that cut us the deepest, and I pray that we can come back stronger, and our hearts more open than ever. And may we acknowledge that we are all apart of the same Journey, and above all us, show up for ourselves, and then we can truly show up for those we love the most.

Dad, In case you ever come across these words, know that even though I, yes, feel anger towards you, lesser every day, that I love you. I love you for you, your truth, the soul that permeates through all the BS. I love you for the man I know you are. And even though we rarely see one another, I see you, and feel the energy between us, that sacred love that connects us. I pray that one day, we can return to that place, where we both see each other, where we both choose to show up. 

Love always
Car

Hello, Thank You, and Goodbye

The water fell from the sky. 
I heard her say Hello,Thank you, and goodbye. 
I had searched for so much more than those few words. I had yearned to feel her love, I had hoped for her presence. To merely know we were somehow connected based on more than our blood, for her to see me, even once, even for a moment. 

Hello, Thank you, and goodbye, 
words I have heard all too often. A sense of defeat, a heart on the mend of broken. The softness of those words, I could have allowed them to swallow me whole, and stay oh so small. 

But I choose to see her ,then, now, even though she closes her eyes to me. I choose to see her. She's beauty beyond words, she's a star, and always has been. So strongly protected, so far from her truth, how could she see my soul, when she had turned away from her own. 

Tears had fallen down my face, and caressed my freckled cheeks. Sorrow from my past had become my present, I could be angry, I could feel let down. But what I saw was her sadness. What I saw was her own story. What I felt was love for the wondrous soul who brought me here. 

BE THE LIGHT, was what I heard through the tears. BE THE LIGHT. Open your heart to yourself, open your heart to her. Take down your own walls, see your own soul, and see past the walls she has created. 

Hello, Thank you, and goodbye. Words I had heard all too often, became new to me.  Hello to second chances. Hello to open hearts. Hello to FORGIVENESS and COMPASSION. Thank you to WHISPERS of profound words of love, and Thank you to moments of sorrow, moments so raw they break you open. 

And goodbye. Goodbye to the sad story I have told myself for far too long. Goodbye to the need for you to be anyone other than who you are. A soul, the same as me, on your own Journey of self-love and DISCOVERY. 

BE THE LIGHT, was what I heard through the tears, and so I shall be. FIERCELY, and fearlessly, I shall BE THE LIGHT for you, and for me. Here's to the day, both of our hearts, WILL LIGHT UP THE SKY. 

Namaste

GRATITUDE + Sundays

>Photo from Luna Lune Tumblr<

For anyone who knows me, knows that I love Sundays! Sundays have always been the day I look forward to the most. And one of the reasons whys because I allow myself a few moments to myself to reflect. To reflect on the past week and how I feel at that very moment. I ask myself whether I had spent my days fully connected to my truth or whether perhaps I veered off course. And I let go of what had not served me. No matter what, I can always reconnect to my truth through GRATITUDE. 

GRATITUDE, very much saved me the same way FORGIVENESS had. No matter what we go through, we can muster up a few key parts of who we are that we are completely grateful for, and for loved ones and events we are grateful for. I really took to my GRATITUDE PRACTICE when I started my path to self-love, so much so that every day before I went to sleep, I would draught down 5-10 wonders that I was grateful for. So much HEALING and LOVE came from that, because no matter how dark some of those days were, I was able to reconnect to what truly mattered to me. I was able to reconnect to self-love. It has been almost a year and half now and I have stuck to my PRACTICE of GRATITUDE and now, throughout my days,
I MINDFULLY ask myself,

What am I grateful for today?

How can I open my heart even more?

And, Have a shown love and KINDNESS to myself today?

These 3 phrases have helped me tremendously and are key factors to my self-love PRACTICE. These 3 phrases really come to play on Sundays, when -I take to my notebook and drought down what I am grateful for, and moments that stood out to me. Moments that helped me to stay centred and grounded to my true self. So maybe take a few moments for yourself, gather your thoughts on the past week, and let them all go. Release what may have not served you, and send love to what really spoke to you. Choose to see the good, the love, and the LIGHT that's all around you. And perhaps ask yourself what are you grateful for today? Whether one,two, or a hundred moments come to you, know that that's more than okay. You are wonderful, and spectacular, choose to see that. Every day, choose to see the wonder of who you are, and the wonder of all that surrounds you. 

GRATITUDE UNLOCKS THE FULLNESS OF LIFE.

IT TURNS WHAT WE HAVE INTO ENOUGH,AND MORE.

IT TURNS DENIAL INTO ACCEPTANCE,

CHAOS TO ORDER,CONFUSION TO CLARITY.

IT CAN TURN A MEAL INTO A FEAST,A HOUSE INTO A HOME,

A STRANGER INTO A FRIEND. 

MELODY BEATTIE

>Photo Found on Tumblr<

The art of FORGIVENESS

It was not that long ago that I truly thought that to FORGIVE someone was weakness on my part, that that somehow reflected onto me as not strong enough. I thought that to forgive someone was for them, that the purpose was to let them off the hook for however you may have felt wronged. 

When I started my Journey, or as the awesome Brene Brown would say, my breakdown spiritual awakening, I learnt that to FORGIVE was about my Inner peace and my peace only. I learnt that the art of forgiveness allowed me the chance to move past LIMITING BELIEFS and become whole. Somewhere along our paths, we start to harness a whole lot of resentment, anger, and overall sorrow. We tend to hold grudges, and replay over and over why we are 'mad' or how awful that person was to us.

If I could go back, I would tell myself to let go, to forgive. To hang on to all that sorrow, you really only hang onto stagnant energy that does not serve you, that actually does a whole lot of harm to you and your soul, to your true essence. 
The art of forgiveness does not let the other person off the hook, you let yourself off the hook. You allow yourself to move forward, to put forth your energy towards your true heart's DESIRES. You bestow upon yourself a MIRACULOUS GIFT.

And the real beauty comes when we choose to surrender to forgiveness, and we actually forgive ourselves, for whatever the reasons may be. That's when the beauty of true self acceptance starts to play, and eventually peace and wholeness starts to dance at our feet. For me, personally, the moment I forgave those I felt had wronged me, so much old energy was released and I had created space for growth, for a fresh start. I took back my power. 

I chose to no longer attach myself to my past. And my sorrow no longer had an RSVP and a plus one to my future. I knew I had a story to tell, and I wanted that story to be my truth,and the only way to my truth was to release all that no longer served me. It has not always been easy, and I have to remember the exact words that I type here day to day. That's why we PRACTICE. 

So, maybe, when you come across an event that would normally cause you to harness anger or sadness or even fear, send love and LIGHT to yourself, and to whomever was apart of the event. Take a deep breathe, and ask yourself whether that energy serves you, whether your peace's worth that resentment. ALL we have to do's be WILLING. Show up, and say to yourself or even out loud, 

I am ready to FORGIVE, I am open to FORGIVENESS, I am at peace. 

Take a deep breathe, and allow your INNER GUIDANCE to take care of you.