Rose

There she stood, her heart had been at last, broken open. Cracked, raw, totally shattered. She had always thought a broken heart was means for sorrow, for heartache. What she had learnt, was that once her heart had been broken open, she could see clearly, and the past  had started to shed from the curves of her body, the same way a snake sheds layer upon layer. 

Maybe her heart had always been broken, and maybe all she really needed was an awareness, to be awakened to the constant ache that dwelled WITHIN the playground of her soul.  The constant ache that moved her to look up, to look through the fog. 

Clear eyes, and an open heart that had been full of messy chaos and lessons learnt. She had been cleansed, and she danced as her walls crumbled down all around her. She could have been fearful, she could have been stubborn and she could have chosen to stay small as a bud, too scared to start over, to relearn who she truly was. 

She could have been. But her soul longed to play, to dance, to run amongst the flowers.

And so she rose. 

ૐ

//Photo Found on PINTEREST//

Dear Dad

I was angry. I wonder why that's so god damn hard for me to say? I was angry. And I am very much aware that a part of me holds onto to that anger now. To be honest, I started to put those words to paper as took out my notebook and yet for some reason felt drawn to release whatever comes up here, on my blog, for all to see. I feel exposed for some reason, and pretty raw. We can talk all day long about how to LIVE a SPIRITUAL LIFE, and on how to love more deeply and fully, but to actually share my deepest of wounds to whomever reads my posts, well that's a whole other story. But yet, here we are, and here I am, about to get really real.

I was angry. I could stop there really, because those words alone have always made me uncomfortable. I have always chosen to see the good that's WITHIN all of us, even for those who have upset or hurt me the most. So to acknowledge how angry I felt, was a huge step for me. 

 A lot of my own wounds, you know the ones that never really heal unless you show up and tend to them, well, they stem from my father, and they hurt so FUCKING bad some days. Even on the Journey I am on, and all of the HEALING I have done, some wounds are deep, and they tend to take us longer to free ourselves from.

So, why was I angry? Well, to spare you all a long story, that we all have one or another, here's why I was angry, angry at my Dad. (Tears stream down my face as I type those words, because I know what a BEAUTIFUL soul my Dad has) I was angry because he has always been gone one day and then here the next. I was angry because I always felt as though a part of me was on a quest to feel connected to my Dad, to know that I was ever so loved. I was angry, because on Father's Day, he could not show up for me. I was angry because everyday, he chose to not show up for me. I was angry, because he seemed okay, and he seemed happy, and yet, we were always apart.
How could my heart ache so badly, and he, okay?

I know the only love I truly needs the love of myself, but yet I struggle to let go of the need to feel accepted, or to feel needed by my Dad. I know he loves me, I do know that, and I understand that we all do the best we can. I also understand that you can never really show up for others, unless you show up for yourself, and so here's my struggle. I am so aware of the goodness that my dad has, I see so much of myself WITHIN that man, but yet, I also feel so angry. And I know I have to allow myself to feel that. To truly feel that, so that anger can be healed, so I can let go of my past.

I am not sure how the story unfolds from here, I sobbed my way through the whole post, and somehow feel LIGHTER. I know my most profound and BEAUTIFUL lessons stem from these wounds, from the unseen CHILD that LIVES WITHIN me. My prayer's that she'll one day feel seen, and know from her deepest of depths, that she's loved, that I am loved. 

I pray that we all heal those wounds that cut us the deepest, and I pray that we can come back stronger, and our hearts more open than ever. And may we acknowledge that we are all apart of the same Journey, and above all us, show up for ourselves, and then we can truly show up for those we love the most.

Dad, In case you ever come across these words, know that even though I, yes, feel anger towards you, lesser every day, that I love you. I love you for you, your truth, the soul that permeates through all the BS. I love you for the man I know you are. And even though we rarely see one another, I see you, and feel the energy between us, that sacred love that connects us. I pray that one day, we can return to that place, where we both see each other, where we both choose to show up. 

Love always
Car

SHIT AIN'T EASY

We all have those moments, the ones that take us aback. I have them more often than not. I have come to understand that once you have awakened, there's nowhere to go back to. You cannot go back to sleep so to speak, or close your eyes to the truth all around you, to your soul, to your purpose. At least that has been my own story.

To be 'awakened' does not mean you are free from fear, or free of sorrow, for me anyways. I am only HIGHLY aware now of my fear, and of my sorrow. To be that aware of how you feel, to be the one who now observes your fear, your old thought patterns, does not always come easy. There are days that are naturally really hard. I have come across many blogs, many awesome teachers, and sources of self-love Journeys and the art of HEALING, but to be completely honest, I get a sense that they are not all that honest. I have found that a lot of people portray a perfect path, and only half of the truth that brought them to that place of love. If you are here, and you were GUIDED here for some reason, there's a good chance that you know exactly what I mean. 

This journey we are on, the one of self-awareness, self-love, MINDFULNESS, and HEALING, well, SHIT AIN'T EASY, to be completely frank. Oh I could talk days about the RESISTANCE that comes up when you walk forward to a place of Inner Peace. How the moment you feel as though you totally know what's up now, there's a whole new lesson for you to learn, and those lessons can knock you down, that's for sure. But we get back up, we do, but I have found that not everyone talks about that part, the part where we fall down. Where ego catches us off guard, where we feel small, or when we wonder when we'll get past the 'hard' part. 

Everyone has a story of there own, and maybe we do not all feel the need to share the parts of ourselves we are not so proud of, but I want to, as vulnerable as that makes me feel. Yes, I could totally go on and on about how perfect my path has been, how every day I feel so connected and groovy, and how the world comes easy to me now, but that would not be my truth. And I am not sure I could really serve anyone or even myself from a place that's not fully AUTHENTIC. 

So, to the moments that take us aback. Well, today was full of those sort of moments for me. Self-doubt came to play, and self-love took a seat on the bench. You see, I have a lot of dreams, I am a huge dreamer, and a heart so full of love to share, and when I am grounded, I know I am worthy of all of those dreams and more. However, when I am not grounded, when for whatever reason I feel off, ego pulls out the most fearful parts of me. The parts of me that I open myself up to heal everyday. The part of me that's beyond scared to fully go after my dreams, to fully put myself out there, to be seen. 

Today was not a bad day, nor would I say today was a good day. Today was exactly what I chose today to be when I really look closely. Why was I so hard on myself today? On my appearance, on my path, on my Inner CHILD? Because I had lessons I needed to learn. There's always a lesson to learn. And that's how we grow. That's how we become the heroes of our own story. That's how change takes place. Change does not happen because every day's perfect, or because we put on a mask to cover up the parts of us we don't want others to see. Change comes when we choose to be fearless, even when we are fearful. 

Maybe you have moments that come up for you, that make you doubt yourself, that make you doubt the path that you are on. The only words I have for you, are to TRUST. Trust what the UNIVERSE has planned for you, what your God has planned for you. And I understand that that's not always easy, I fully understand that, but when you choose to trust the lessons that have been brought your way, there's usually a sense of support you'll feel all around you, a presence, an energy, that wants to help you flow as effortlessly through the lessons as you can. Ego and our need to control are usually what makes us struggle the way we do. So, TRUST. Trust yourself, SOURCE, angels, Mother Nature, love, and TRUST that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, even when you cannot understand why. 

Peace + Love

For an awesome post about detachment and Trust, check out KRISTIN HEDGES blog post here!! Her words helped me a lot today!! 

Hello, Thank You, and Goodbye

The water fell from the sky. 
I heard her say Hello,Thank you, and goodbye. 
I had searched for so much more than those few words. I had yearned to feel her love, I had hoped for her presence. To merely know we were somehow connected based on more than our blood, for her to see me, even once, even for a moment. 

Hello, Thank you, and goodbye, 
words I have heard all too often. A sense of defeat, a heart on the mend of broken. The softness of those words, I could have allowed them to swallow me whole, and stay oh so small. 

But I choose to see her ,then, now, even though she closes her eyes to me. I choose to see her. She's beauty beyond words, she's a star, and always has been. So strongly protected, so far from her truth, how could she see my soul, when she had turned away from her own. 

Tears had fallen down my face, and caressed my freckled cheeks. Sorrow from my past had become my present, I could be angry, I could feel let down. But what I saw was her sadness. What I saw was her own story. What I felt was love for the wondrous soul who brought me here. 

BE THE LIGHT, was what I heard through the tears. BE THE LIGHT. Open your heart to yourself, open your heart to her. Take down your own walls, see your own soul, and see past the walls she has created. 

Hello, Thank you, and goodbye. Words I had heard all too often, became new to me.  Hello to second chances. Hello to open hearts. Hello to FORGIVENESS and COMPASSION. Thank you to WHISPERS of profound words of love, and Thank you to moments of sorrow, moments so raw they break you open. 

And goodbye. Goodbye to the sad story I have told myself for far too long. Goodbye to the need for you to be anyone other than who you are. A soul, the same as me, on your own Journey of self-love and DISCOVERY. 

BE THE LIGHT, was what I heard through the tears, and so I shall be. FIERCELY, and fearlessly, I shall BE THE LIGHT for you, and for me. Here's to the day, both of our hearts, WILL LIGHT UP THE SKY. 

Namaste

Only Love's Real

Masks, who we feel we are supposed to be, and who everyone else wants us to be. The face we put on to make the rest of the world happy, the perfect person who only feels HAPPINESS. We have all been there, or we know someone who has. I know for me, personally, I have had to really go deep WITHIN myself and accept that I am enough exactly as I am. I have come to a place where I know the only way I can be truly happy, and at harmony's when I am my AUTHENTIC self. What does that mean?

For me, to be my AUTHENTIC self means to accept all parts of me. The good and the bad (or at least what we have been made to see as bad), the LIGHT and the dark. All of the energy and love that flows through me, and all of the sadness and sorrow I have to face so that I may heal. These are all parts of me, and they all make up who I am. The moment I allow myself to accept myself, fully, and completely, then I can allow the energy that does not serve me to pass through. 

I am a VIBRANT soul, a person who dreams of love and knows love can heal us all. A person who feels every EMOTION, and feels most at home when I am at peace WITHIN myself, and when I am surrounded by POSITIVE, wondrous, souls, and loved ones. But I have days when I feel sad, really sad, and days when I feel angry, and scared, and unsure. I know these are all an ILLUSION, that they are not real, because ONLY LOVE'S REAL. I know these EMOTIONS are there for a reason, that I feel them for a reason. To learn from, to accept, and move forward from. We are all a makeup of the energy we feel, and the energy we must release, so that we may grow and blossom. And yet we are taught that we are supposed to have IT ALL TOGETHER always.

Perhaps we are meant to feel, really feel how we feel, and feel the energy that comes up for us, so that we can LOVINGLY love all parts of ourselves, and trust that we are love. 

How can we get to the place of INNER peace and self-acceptance when we are so scared to AUTHENTICALLY be ourselves?

 To be real, completely honest, and own our struggles as much as we own our successes. The moment you accept your struggles, no matter how bad they may seem, as a BEAUTIFUL part of your path to ENLIGHTENMENT then you start to take the shame away. And all those ILLUSIONS that seem to keep us stuck, well they start to fade away more and more. At the end of the day we all go through what we are meant to go through, and the MAGICAL part's that we can take our power back, moment by moment, when accept ourselves fully. When we start to change what we see as good and bad, to STEPPING STONES to our truth, to our love. How can you start to be AUTHENTICALLY you now? Maybe when someone asks you how you feel, be honest, whether you feel truly happy and great, or maybe sad, or you have low energy, maybe that you are HEALING. There's so much beauty that comes from honesty. When we let go of the need to PAINT THE PERFECT PICTURE, and see that we are perfectly IMPERFECT the way that we are. 

Take down the mask, let go of the person you feel you are supposed to be, the person someone wants you to be, and open your  heart to who you are, to the love that you are. There are days we all need rest, days we need a hand to help us through, and then there are days that we SHINE, that our souls RADIATE. Maybe we can learn to accept that together, accept that we are awesome, even when we cannot see past all the other B.S. Accept that when we are AUTHENTICALLY ourselves we learn to truly love ourselves, and when we truly love ourselves, we come back home, come back to that peaceful place where we know and feel that only loves real. 

The art of FORGIVENESS

It was not that long ago that I truly thought that to FORGIVE someone was weakness on my part, that that somehow reflected onto me as not strong enough. I thought that to forgive someone was for them, that the purpose was to let them off the hook for however you may have felt wronged. 

When I started my Journey, or as the awesome Brene Brown would say, my breakdown spiritual awakening, I learnt that to FORGIVE was about my Inner peace and my peace only. I learnt that the art of forgiveness allowed me the chance to move past LIMITING BELIEFS and become whole. Somewhere along our paths, we start to harness a whole lot of resentment, anger, and overall sorrow. We tend to hold grudges, and replay over and over why we are 'mad' or how awful that person was to us.

If I could go back, I would tell myself to let go, to forgive. To hang on to all that sorrow, you really only hang onto stagnant energy that does not serve you, that actually does a whole lot of harm to you and your soul, to your true essence. 
The art of forgiveness does not let the other person off the hook, you let yourself off the hook. You allow yourself to move forward, to put forth your energy towards your true heart's DESIRES. You bestow upon yourself a MIRACULOUS GIFT.

And the real beauty comes when we choose to surrender to forgiveness, and we actually forgive ourselves, for whatever the reasons may be. That's when the beauty of true self acceptance starts to play, and eventually peace and wholeness starts to dance at our feet. For me, personally, the moment I forgave those I felt had wronged me, so much old energy was released and I had created space for growth, for a fresh start. I took back my power. 

I chose to no longer attach myself to my past. And my sorrow no longer had an RSVP and a plus one to my future. I knew I had a story to tell, and I wanted that story to be my truth,and the only way to my truth was to release all that no longer served me. It has not always been easy, and I have to remember the exact words that I type here day to day. That's why we PRACTICE. 

So, maybe, when you come across an event that would normally cause you to harness anger or sadness or even fear, send love and LIGHT to yourself, and to whomever was apart of the event. Take a deep breathe, and ask yourself whether that energy serves you, whether your peace's worth that resentment. ALL we have to do's be WILLING. Show up, and say to yourself or even out loud, 

I am ready to FORGIVE, I am open to FORGIVENESS, I am at peace. 

Take a deep breathe, and allow your INNER GUIDANCE to take care of you. 

Pure + sacred act of acceptance

Self-love's such a pure and sacred act of acceptance. There's a freedom that naturally flows from that, and I pray that everyone gets to feel that. I pray that anyone and everyone who has ever felt unworthy, know's that they are more than worthy. We have to let go of what we are taught to see as beauty.

To me, beauty's an energy, beauty stems from the love that you are. From the love you have for yourself and for all others. 

Love yourself always, and allow your true beauty to be seen.